The United States is An Abusive Narcissist

Original Substack newsletter here from November 7th, 2024

Someone from college once told me that living in the US was akin to being victim of an abusive, narcissistic relationship. Those words have stuck with me ever since.

When I first began bicycle touring in 2021 immediately upon college graduation, it was for a number of reason. I wanted to see other parts of the world for what felt like the first time in my life. I wanted to avoid my parents, whom I was having worsening relationships with. I wanted to avoid getting a job immediately after college, since I had my first job when I was 12 years old and had worked every year of my life since then and was burnout out from the financial repercussions of the elusive American dream which enabled my father to not financially contribute to my upbringing, leaving my mother to fend for herself and raise two children while living in a sexist country. I didn’t want to get a job because I realized that my options as someone with a Bachelor’s degree in public health- to work as a consultant, for a nonprofit, to do Peace Corps, or to acquire another degree and subsequently more debt- were all equally atrocious in different ways. The depressing thing about studying public health? You learn that cancerous imperialistic capitalism is the primary driver of disease and suffering in the world. And there is close to nothing that you can do as an individual to change things.

I decided to bike across Europe because I was incredibly mentally and physically unwell, and to stay in the US- to live at home before miraculously getting a job that would make my soul rot faster than it already was- was to put myself in danger of me ridding myself from this planet. I ran away (biked away) from all of my problems because I did not know how to address them in any other capacity. 

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In addition to all the reasons I explained above, I biked across Europe because I wanted to know if life was better on the other side. What is it like having established healthcare? To not be afraid of gun violence? To have significantly less homelessness and abandoned homes? To have more public transit and better quality /affordable food/household items? What was it like for single mothers in different countries? For students? For queer people, rich people, poor people, brown people, disabled people? I made it a point to ask my hosts- for I was sleeping on the couches of strangers most nights during my travels- what the best and worst parts of their country were. I knew that no country was perfect. I, however, wanted all the information I could get for if and when I would ever decide that I must jump ship back at home. I wanted to know what problems I would be walking into. 

I came back to the US and miraculously got a 6-figure remote job, learning what it felt like to win the job lottery. It felt isolating, destructive, hypocritical, narcissistic, a waste of everyone’s time and energy, full of promises never to be kept. Like I was rotting away bit by bit in front of a computer screen for 40 hours a week because my back brain neck wrists legs and feet hurt from the stationary lifestyle and soul-lessness of life. My salary of $115k/year (based on a California cost of living, since the company I worked for was born in Silicon Valley) had me living financially well here in Baltimore, a city with a far, far lower cost of living. I invested money into my 401k and Roth IRA. I got all the tattoos I wanted without question. I would get whatever groceries I wanted from the expensive organic store, not bothering to read the receipt at checkout. I had a two bedroom apartment all to myself where I stored my bikes and adopted a stray cat. On the surface, I was living the good life.

But every day I hated being alive. I hated my job. I hated working for people I did not respect. I hated being alone and glued to a computer. I hated working on tasks where 90% of what I did amounted to nothing but an intangible pile of garbage. I hated working a Bullshit Job. I realized that my 6-figure job contributed nothing to the world, but was valued highly due to big tech’s chokehold on capitalism, our government, and the Democratic Party and general government at large (they are now shifting towards the Republican Party. If you aren’t already aware, the two-party system is basically a one-party system that serves no one else but the rich). I earned money that I did not deserve, worked for people who did not deserve to own a company and pay themselves plentifully, doing work that did not help anyone on this dying planet, yet was funded by Sequoia investors who are rich enough to play the lottery with start-ups, hoping that with all the money they throw onto these random companies, some will be the jackpot and will replace the money ten times back. I worked while seeing all my friends financially flounder. I was often told that I was privileged and couldn’t complain because I made twice as much as pretty much everyone I knew. I gaslit my pain and thoughts because of these messages. I believed that, yes, I was not allowed to feel pain, because I financially better off now than my friends. That yes, my feelings of depression, isolation, suicidal ideation, debilitating anxiety, inability to sleep and stay awake were completely and entirely negated because of my paycheck. I hardly shared my thoughts, my feelings of guilt and shame with anyone. Who in the right mind would want to hear their friend, who makes 2-3x more than they do, complain about life? I saved up enough money to quit my job and travel for about a year. I still didn’t share my pain with my friends. But now I have learned to validate my pain. It is not a privilege to be suicidal, to be depressed, to hate every minute you are alive, regardless of you make $30k a year of $250. Elton John attempted suicide by taking an overdose of Valium in front of all his friends and family in the height of his career. Should I begin creating a long list of successful and financially stable people who decided to (or nearly did) kill themselves, just to prove my point? It would be reprehensible to say that his feelings were invalid because he was successful and making money. Pain is pain. Period.

So I traveled. I ran away from my problems and continued to read books to understand why I was the way I was. I still did not share with many friends how horrible my mental and physical health was in 2022. Or even any of the years before and after it. I kept it a secret and said I just wanted to travel. I read books about feminist history. About capitalist history. I read books from women of color, lesbians of color, gay men, transgender people, from poor people, from victims of violence, from historical experts, scientists and pioneering thinkers. I had begun reading these books back in 2021 and have kept up with it still today. I realized in 2023, after leaving my tech job, that my lifelong history of pain- and that of my friends as well- was a direct result of the United States cancerous and imperialist capitalism. I wasn’t crazy.

Now Trump has been elected president. Part of me feels the need to cite all my evidence about why I am petrified about what a Trump presidency could do for the country and for the world. But why should I spend all my time and energy citing the fascistic things he has said and done? That would take so long, and I don’t need to be reminded of how terrible he is. The evidence is there, and it is more than plentiful. It feels useless to explain why it feels like the world is about to end. Trump is a threat and danger to EVERYONE, including the cishet white men (hint hint *climate change* *removing flouride from water?* *wives and mothers and children and loved ones dying from a lack of healthcare, gun safety etc.* *cishet white men are at the top of the social hierarchy, yes, but that doesn’t mean they won’t be negatively affected by Trump’s policies). Everyone is in danger. Everyone except the billionaires and ultra rich. 

And so I reflect on all my travels. I am shocked by the foresight I had so many years ago. To tempt my curiosity by exploring various cultures in Europe to see if things really are better over there. To stick it out in a high paying job so that at least I would have some financial stability to rest on, despite a huge lack of personal stability. To then quit my job in the hopes of saving myself from depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation, even though I was told I was ungrateful and privileged for doing so. To travel once again, living off my saved income, and to further process everything in my life that had led me to that moment. To then, when I was done with biking across the entire United States, around New Zealand, and part of Australia, stay in Baltimore for the rest of 2024. I stayed here because I knew it was election year, and that I wanted to get the most of the best parts of my community in case I decided I would leave the country in 2025 and never come back. Well, we are here now, with an elected felon, racist and rapist, and I am both impressed, grateful, and astonished by my foresight and decision making over the last four years of my life. I feel as though, if I move out of the US, I did my best to enjoy its best parts while it lasted. When I look towards the future, a world where Trump is president of the United States of America, I envision Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle for all Americans. 

Do I stay and fight the good fight? Do I leave and find peace for myself abroad while still doing whatever I can to help make the US better? I am afraid to voice these opinions, because too many people like to scream at one another about being selfish or making the wrong decision. I think that people forget that blaming the victim for how they respond to abuse is an nonsensical response to abuse. Why are you fighting horizontally when you should be fighting vertically? The United States is an abusive narcissist. Remember who is your enemy, because it certainly is not me.

It is never a privilege to feel like you might have to leave your country. But if there is any country where it is most privileged to do so, it is the United States. We have a strong currency. Whiteness (for the 75% of us) is an advantage. We have a strong passport. We live in the glory and destruction of an empire.

I am afraid for American citizens and the world at large. I can only hope, with the delusion I so posses, that everything will just be fine.

Stay rad and stay cycling 🤙🏼

Claire,

*BTW, the high for today, November 6th as I am writing this, was 79°F. That is terrifying.